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turning 25 [30 Mar 2010|12:58pm]
[ mood | intuitive ]

not quite what I expected it to be...my car got totaled, my friends never showed up and the only person i was able to rely on was my brother which was nice for him to finally have my back. but i just wanted it to be happier...but i was too depressed about other things that happened earlier in the past week. couldn't get everything off my mind..& it was embarassing to cry in public...it's like when you are in high school and you can't help but cry and people see you and you just want to get away from everything and everyone. the only thing that is truly making me happy these days are Camden and my family. maybe i need to cut down on alcoholic consumption and the partying, i don't know. but i'm older and it is time to gain a little more responsibility over my personal belongings and self.

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does it ever feel like nothing can go right? [07 Jun 2009|06:17pm]
[ mood | blah ]

well that's how it feels for me.
i don't know what's wrong with me and why i couldn't just figure it out sooner...
i guess things with christian and i are over...i guess it's for the best though. we fought and argued ALL the time. i just want him to be happy and still be a father to camden. i just want everything to go back the way it used to be, but i know that's completely impossible.
i guess it just took time for me to grow up and think thoroughly...maybe one day i can be happy and the best person i know that's inside of me..

time will only tell.

but i will be the best mom that i can be to my son..that's a promise.

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more quotes from stephenie myers [26 May 2009|12:33pm]
new moon

time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does even for me. (93)

forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk. (117)

it was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continue to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. rationally, i knew my lungs must still be intact, yet i gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. my heart must have been beating too, but i couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears, my hands felt blue with cold. i curled inward hugging my ribs to hold myself together. i scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me. and yet, i found i could survive. (118)

i still wanted to cheat. it was senseless, and i really didn't care. i was going to be reckless as i could possibly manage in Forks. i would not be the only keeper of an empty contract. (147)

there was something to search for unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted...but he was out there somewhere. i had to believe that. (16)

it was strage for me being this close emotionally rather than physically, though the physical was strange for me too - to another humman being. it wasn't my usual style. i didn't normally relate to people so easily, on such a basic level. (179)

racing down the road like that had been amazing. the feed of the wind in my face, the speed and the freedom...it reminded me of a past life, flying through the thick forest without a road, piggyback while he ran. (190)

i was like a lost moon - my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic disaster-movie scenario of desolation - that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. (201)

his name burst through all the walls i'd build to contain it. Edward, Edward, Edward. i was going to die. it shouldn't matter if i thought of him now. Edward, I love you. (242)

it was like someone had died - like I had died. because it had been more than just losing, the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. it was also losing a whole future, a whole family - the whole life that i'd chosen... (398)

"La tua cantante." ..."they have a name for someone who smells the way bella does to me. they call my singer - because her blood sings for me." (490)

"you're not asleep, and you're not dead. i'm here, and i love you. i have always loved you, and i will always love you. i was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that i was away. when i told you that i didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy. (510)

"before you, bella, my life was like a moonless night, very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason...and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. suddenly everything was on fire, there was brilliancy there was beauty. when you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. i couldn't see the stars anymore. and there was no more reason for anything. (514)

he really did want me the way i wanted him - forever. it was only fear for my soul, for the human things he didn't want to take from me that made him so despereate to leave me mortal. (527)


i'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. look after my heart - i've left it with you. (95)

"but i'll never see anyone else, bella. i only see you. even when i close my eyes and try to see something else. ask quil or embry. it drives them all crazy." (177)

"sleep, my bella. dream happy dreams. you are the only one who has ever touched my heart. it will always be yours. sleep, my only love." (195)

"i was going to say if i had found someone, but that won't do. if i had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how i would have proceeded. i was that boy, who would have - as soon as i discovered that you were what i was looking for - gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. i would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have quite the same connotations." (277)

...just playing with my hair and smiling whenever i looked up. it was probably superficial to notice such things while i had so many more important things to think about, but his smile still knocked the breath out of me. he was so beautiful that it made it hard sometimes to think about anything else, hard to concentrate on..hostile vampire armies. i was only human. (315)

it was childish, but i liked the idea that his lips would be the last good thing i would feel. even more embarassingly, something i would never say aloud, i wanted his venom to poison my system. it would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way. (324)

"i'm in love with you, bella...bella, i love you. and i want you to pick, me instead of him. i know you don't feel that way, but i need the truth out there so that you know your options. i would't want a miscommunication to stand in our way." (327)

"isabella swan?..i promise to love you forever - every single day of forever. will you marry me?" (460)

"i lived through an entire twenty-four hours thinking you were dead bella. that changed the way i look at a lot of things."
"did it change the way i smell to you?"
"not at all. but...having experienced the way it feels to think i've lost you...my reactions have changed. my entire being shies away from any course that could inspire that kind of pain again." (471)

"i'm not going to cut you in half anymore, bella." i understood what he was saying he was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. (598)

"you know i love you."
"i know,...you know how much i wish it was enough." (602)

i fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers. "no, bella" edward whispered, capturing my hands. "it's part of who you are." he pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again. (608)

"i cannot live without my life! i cannot live without my soul! - wuthering heights (611)

"i'm going to need that ring. it's time to tell charlie." he once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand. where it would stay - conceivably fore the rest of eternity. (620)
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celeb...err fictional character crush [12 May 2009|11:16am]
okay i know i'm following the lead of millions of teenage girls with this but edward cullen (robert pattinson) is seriously gorgeous ...unfortunately i watched the movie first which somewhat disappoints me because i wish i would have read it first so i could have created my own picture of what edward cullen might look like but robert pattinson is definitely a suitable image. but the truth is that the book is a million times better as it usually most often is. but i had to dissect the book and highlight my favorite quotes (so feel free to enjoy) :)

"when i was with him, the time, and the place were such a muddled blur that i completely lost track of both.."
"i stood with care worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us.."
"and so, the lion fell in love with the lamb.." < just beautiful wording
"the glory of first love, and all that. it's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" <so true "for almost 90 years i've walked among my kind, and yours...all the time thinking i was complete in myself, not realizing what i was seeking. and not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet." < could all men just be like this? vampires would be top on my list if so "you are my life now." "it's been almost a century that edward's been alone. now he's found you. you can't see the changes that we see, we who have been with him for so long. do you think any of us want to look into his eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you." -Stephenie Meyer the things i like most about this character are his eloquence, beauty, early century speech, strength, perseverence, and most of all love. hopefully new moon will do even more justice for the books.
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today is beautiful [04 Apr 2009|11:18am]
[ mood | determined ]

so now i'm 24, almost a quarter of a decade! this birthday has definitely made me realize how much having a baby really does change everything. life has become so routine (not necessarily a bad thing!)..but i can't wait until camden can get off of his oxygen and just enjoy life outside of the home..when he can get to do all the things that i did when i was a baby and then some! i just would like him to get stimulation outside of the home and not have to worry about being tied down...i know he can't do anything crazy of course but i would just like different activities instead of just sitting with me in front of the tv and only doing so much. it makes me appreciate my health and wellness and appreciate the future.

camden is doing wonderfully he's 10+ lbs. now and his face is getting fuller. he's just gorgeous...i know some people say that they just want to appreciate every moment when their babies are small, which i do, but i also can't wait to see him getting bigger and stronger & just being more active :) that would be wonderful.

i feel like i've gotten stuck on the tube..since i can't really bring camden anywhere and it's hard to read a book when a babies requiring your attention. hopefully when he's bigger he can remind me of how important the world is and how much fun it is to get out of the house and explore...i loved being a kid and i just can't wait to open the doors to imagination and creativity in the childlike sense <3
the end.

p.s. i think there's some easy entrance for wasps to get into our room b/c they are always always ending up in here...scary!

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leaving on a jet plane [08 Mar 2009|11:40pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

christian (my fiance) left tonight for atlanta to receive training from Apple in which he will be gone for 2 weeks :(

missing himCollapse )

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it's been about a month... [08 Mar 2009|12:34pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

since camden has been home and i am ecstatic about it! it's still somewhat surreal to believe that he's actually home but i am getting used to being a mom and addressing camden's needs and wants when he wants something.
everything is just getting better and his eyes are 100% now..there's no predicting what will happen in the future with glasses or lazy/crossed eyes *knock on wood* but his eyes definitely don't look like they will become lazy or crossed...hopefully anyways!

he's steadily gaining weight and was 7 lbs 8 oz on march 4th :) i can't wait til he can get out of the newborn wear and newborn diapers, it will just make me feel such accomplishment for him. he also is such a strong boy lifting up his head and pushing on his feet to stretch out (one time it even seemed like he rolled over...to me anyways).

i saw this commercial for something like "babies can read" and i have to admit it is sort of a tempting purchase! but i would just like to stimulate camden's mind so that he can reach his fullest potential and even surpass my knowledge and accomplishments. i just can't wait until he can do more and gets off of oxygen..hopefully the pulmonologist will say that his lungs look better and that we can start to wean him off of the 1/32 of a liter of oxygen he is receiving right now.

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home coming! [06 Feb 2009|10:49am]
[ mood | happy ]

Camden should be coming home today, if all goes as planned :) I could not even fathom that this day would actually come..i was hoping for it but the days kept passing by, & now it's been about 110 days or so and he is finally going to be home where he belongs. As a first time mom, I admit that I am a bit nervous especially considering his circumstances and that he will be on oxygen. But, I am extremely proud that he is on the lowest setting for oxygen 1/36. I just hope he feels comfortable at home and doesn't cry too much, but if he does then that's fine too b/c he is a baby and that's what they do! lol anyways just can't wait

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6 lb mark! [30 Jan 2009|10:25am]
[ mood | happy ]

Camden finally made the 6 lb mark yesterday, he is actually 6 lbs and 1.1 oz! i can't believe it...it was a long road but he has come so far :) he probably would be huge if he was still inside of me, as would i! just waiting til he can come home though...

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our little miracle [16 Jan 2009|11:21am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

camden is doing absolutely wonderful.

I was worried that his MRI would be abnormal or something but the specialist on studying the images said that everything looked normal...thank God! His doctor has also started talking about discharge so hopefully that will come soon :) He's up to 5 lbs 4.5 oz...which is amazing everytime I look back to his old pictures or think about how tiny he was at 1 lb 11.8 oz! I can't believe what a little miracle he is to me along with everyone else as well.

moreCollapse )

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today [11 Jan 2009|09:55am]
[ mood | anxious ]

i'm having a belated baby shower and a graduation party thrown by my parents! both celebrations are a little late but it's okay hopefully everyone will have fun :)

camdenCollapse )

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belated merry christmas [27 Dec 2008|03:11pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Camden is doing so well *knock on wood* don't want to jinx his progress! I got to hold him yesterday and feed him with a bottle for the first time, he took in 5 mls which is pretty good for his first time.
He also was able to take a bottle because he is no longer on the ventilator or CPAP. Camden's on something called a nasal cannula , which is less intensive than the CPAP or ventilator. He also just got his first 2 shots. I'm sooo incredibly proud of him and he's putting back on his weight after having his laser eye surgery. He's up to 3 lbs 12.6 oz, so hopefully he'll be back to the 4 lbs in no time and even more weight. I can't wait to have him come home and hopefully everything will look good on his MRI before coming home.

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update [22 Dec 2008|06:10pm]
Camden just had his laser eye surgery and the nurse said that it couldn't have gone any better, Thank God! She said that the doctor had gotten everything done that needed to be done. I wish I could have been there but I think it may have made me nervous or queasy.

My baby boy has gone through so much and to think my first real surgery didn't happen until his birth and he's already had so much done to him. There's talk of him possibly getting surgery to address his heart murmur, which makes me nervous :\ But if he needs it and it will let oxygen flow better throughout his body, then i'll be really happy.
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2 months old! [20 Dec 2008|02:29pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Camden is 2 months old today!!! :)

I can't believe how much time has gone by, he's grown so much and i'm so incredibly proud of him. He's 3 lbs 15 oz today and growing steadily, the NICU staff has upped his feeding amount to 30 mls every 3 hours, and he was taken out of isolation yesterday (due to the infection that he had had). He also has had his rate on the ventilator decreased to 18%, and the doctor's are talking about putting him back on the CPAP machine. I just hope that this time he will be ready for it, but he has recieved steroid shots to help his lungs out and the nurses have said that it has helped. I just can't wait until I can hold him again..I actually can't wait even more for Christian to hold him because he has still not been able to hold him (although he could of held him when he was on the CPAP machine last time but he didn't want to because the machine was connected through some face mask thing and he looked really uncomfortable). He's also going to be getting another eye exam today and last time his heart rate went up to 235 at the highest, so hopefully he will do better with it - but I know even I don't like eye exams so I can't even imagine how it could be for my little baby boy. I can't wait to see him though and I hope everything will just continue to progress.

updateCollapse )

P.S. I still can't believe I graduated! ...surreal!

2 comments|post comment

he [01 Dec 2008|03:42pm]
(camden) had to go back on the ventilator. it's common but still sucks :/
4 comments|post comment

camden [30 Nov 2008|10:51am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

is breathing more on his own now he just has that continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) to assist in his breathing. it is held in place by a mask placed around his head, it looks pretty uncomfortable but he's very squirmy so it's for the best that it's like that. i'm so proud of him! now he just needs to put on more weight cuz he's 2 lb 11 oz now and keeps on going up and down between 2 lb 10 oz and 2 lb 12 oz.

i got to hold him again today, his nurse was filipino..gotta love them! i finally heard him make some noises since that tube does not obstruct his vocal cord anymore...he's just the cutest thing. i love being close to him like that...i'm just ready for the kangaroo care with skin to skin contact and really connecting in that way. he's a pretty touchy guy already with an attitude on him so i just hope he can learn to like actually being touched and held, and feel the love! <3

my baby boy is soo adorable i love looking into his beautiful eyes ♥

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best thanksgiving ever! [26 Nov 2008|06:21pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I got to hold my baby boy <3 There's nothing more than I could have asked for.

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today is a good day [20 Nov 2008|01:39pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

thursdays are my day where i have only one class and no more classes til monday so today is a great day :)

camden has finally gotten off the occilator to a ventilator which..Collapse )

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eeee!!! [16 Nov 2008|12:12pm]
[ mood | excited ]

camden is almost 1 month old

yayCollapse )

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neighbors [15 Nov 2008|05:05pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

are jerks most the time, they watch everything you do like nosey freaks & jump on anything they can to get you into trouble
ughCollapse )

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